reflections

many people on my program are having a hard time here -- they have complaints about the program, the homestay family, the food, the way malians respond to us in public...for the most part i am doing well. i expected this to be different and it is and thats that. i havent had any really negative experiences with people here, i have been walking a lot lately and enjoy the excercise and hope it helps balance my ridic carbs intake... walking poses a few challenges but none are really grave. it is hot and sunburn weather always; it is culturally polite to greet just about everyone you pass which can be time consuming and awkward; taxis and sotramas beep and yell at you - especially taxis which target white women assuming we always want rides. false. men making kissing and hissing noises which is a little creepy; children and sometimes adults yelling "toubabou" frequently.

the toubabou thing at first make be feel special, then began to sting and i'd resent it, now i just think it is kind of stupid but i can deal. some students want to yell back the bamanankan (that is bambara for "bambara") words for "malian" or even "black". i don't feel the need to yell back anything that would eqaully state the obvious/objectify/categorize/insult. but i have taken to greeting these people with a "ça va" or "ini sogoma". its my way i defying the gaze; of not being silenced and objectified by their calls -- which are for the most part not even malicious but are objectifying. and i know that it is not about me, it is just that i stand out and they want to shout that fact for me and all else to hear. its not that deep, its just weird. but it makes me feel better to speak back -- to let them know i am active and aware and not stupid and even know a little of the same language they scream at me. kill em with kindness, just not in the vengeful way cuz i am not really mad about it. another student with whom i discussed this stuff today asked me how i am always so chill and i said i think it takes too much energy to get upset and angry so i rarely do. its true -- living antagonistically is exhausting. i am pretty good at staying centered and finding a sense of peace anywhere. maybe thats why things are going so well for me in this place that should be so disorienting.

what i wanted to write about though was the one sort of complaint or really regret -besides i painfully small rool with no space to unpack - that i do have: the downsidse of studying in a french speaking and english non speaking country. it was a very intentional choice of mine and i do believe that my french is improving -- however it is at the expense of lots of content information that i do not understand, that i just plain miss out on. lectures, field trips, tours, educational conversations - i intake a fraction of what is said and that is really a hard fact for me to cope with. no matter how hard i try to focus, my comprehension is just not that good and so with a conversation in english i can help further it because basic comprehension is a given, but here, i am stuck on that and my thinking and learning does not advance to any sort of higher level. it is really difficult.

so, when yesterday our group visited mali's save the children office and the director spoke to us in english it was really an amazing experience. i got so much more out of it. i could follow what she was saying, question things, participate, and feel good about learning new info but also about being able to apply the smarts i already have. another student in my program with whom i discussed my frustrations said that often in class she does not feel smart because she cant contribute or participate on an intelligent advanced level do to the language barrier. i wouldnt use the same phrase, but rather would say that i do not get to excercise or share my smarts/knowledge/intelligence much. that is difficult.

and i went back to save the chidlren today because i think it might be a better choice for me to work at a bilingual organisation where i can be most useful to them because i can actually express myself well, and the experience will yeild the most info and understanding for me in return. i am not sure if working with them is possible due to time and programming contraints but i hope it is. i had a really interesting convo with the director about stuff related to my truman and the subject of policy translating to implementation, or not translating. it was so refreshing and innvigorating to be able to discuss critically and really be on on the ball instead of ... under it. it felt so right and i think i want more of that out of my experience here. french is important but is only one facet of hte experience. it cant be at the expense of so many other types of learning. i also chose this proram for its gender health and development theme and want to be able to partake in and enjoy that stuff.